Completely Unnecessary

Today I managed to actually find the place I tried to find yesterday. I’m in the midst of a house hunt, and, although he sounded a bit strange on the phone, I needed to check out this house. Luckily I brought Sam with me because no one else would have believed the conditions I’m about to describe.

After I knock there is a long pause and finally “Baz” comes to the door. I know instantaneously that I will not be living here. “Baz” is nearing 40, has a mop of crazy hair and red-rimmed eyes, clearly indicative of frequent (and recent) drug use. On first glance, I would have thought he was a homeless person - had we not found him in a home. As he stands at the door, I turn to ask Sam if she plans on coming inside. She bravely ignores all common sense and follows me into the house.

I put “Baz” in quotes because I’m reasonably sure that’s what he said over the phone, but this was not confirmed at the house. I tried, in vain, to shake his hand twice, an attempt to hang onto some kind of formality. He never asked my name.

Walking into the house yields a shabby living room, a filthy kitchen, and various cat food littered about, much of it on the floor. Sam tries to catch my eye, but I know I’m going to laugh, so I push past her back towards the front. As we step into my ostensible bedroom, “Baz” follows us. He speaks some numbers, and we realize that he’s giving the measurements of the room.

“I don’t know how high it is,” he says, looking up. The ceilings are clearly over 12′ high.

“I don’t think that’s going to be an issue,” I respond.

So now we’re in this room, with nothing else to say to “Baz,” and Sam is clearly about to totally lose control on her laughter. There is this pause, and I say, “Okay, well I’m looking at a couple other places, so I’ll…” I’m not sure that I really finished the thought as I reached for the handle on the front door. “Baz” looks blithely on - responding to this is clearly beyond today’s capabilities.

I try to restrain Sam as we walk out the door. I just want to get beyond “Baz’s” sight line before we crack up. We kind of succeed and have talked about nothing else today. We’re a bit stymied by our inability to present some sort of photo essay on the subject because that would really be the only way to fully appreciate the bizarreness of the house and “Baz.” Actually, on second thought, I could have just taken a picture of “Baz.”

We will be giggling about this for weeks.

Vaguely Related

• No related posts.