Lessons learned from online Chinese horoscopes.
It’s paper time again, so I’m well on my way to spending hours on the internet. What does it have in store for us today?
Without asking why, let’s say I went to a Chinese horoscope compatibility website. Let’s just move straight from that fact to reveling in the glory that is Master Rao’s Compatibility Between the Signs.
You have to enter a sign for the man and a sign for the woman, and - like the Love Calculator before it - it predicts your ability to love and be loved on completely uncontrollable factors.
So what does ancient Chinese wisdom (clearly) have to tell us about relations between the sexes? Well, mostly things like this:
To get her views across, this woman is likely to react in her usual way - by nagging and displaying vehement emotional scenes.
That’s a Monkey (man) and an Ox (woman), but rest assured that all the other combinations I tried yielded roughly the same results for the women.
Rooster women (i.e., me) appear to be particularly unlovable. Here’s Goat (man) and Rooster (woman):
The Goat only loves mysterious and profoundly feminine women. Obviously, the Rooster falls short of this criteria and cannot expect to be fully appreciated as a woman by him.
Obviously. Thank you, Master Rao.
In other combos I am sulky, brooding, stupid and frigid. Surprisingly, given that last one, I am also incredibly randy:
On the sexual plane, the partners are likely to encounter some difficulties as the Rat man will look for quality while the Rooster, superficial and overrestless, will prefer quantity.
Strangely, with others I am jealous and possessive.
But I don’t want to end on that sour note. Let’s instead look at a Horse (man) and a Snake (woman):
Even in the best of conditions this union is unlikely to last, for the partners’ love is so intense that it will burn itself out completely. But they will ever keep bedazzled memories of each other.
I just hope they ever keep that Beadazzler - gonna be worth money someday.
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