Completely Unnecessary

…and a nation mourns.

I actively don’t care about Michael Phelps’ smoking marijuana.

(You can tell because I’m writing a blog post about it. As you are no doubt painfully aware, I never write about anything of substance.)

Seriously, have we nothing else to worry about? Economic collapse, perhaps? Multiple, horrible wars, hmmm?

The NYT today devoted several prominent links to a story about a 23-year-old smoking pot, including an analysis of how Phelps’ disciplinary action should have been handled.

Is there no real news because everyone is just too sad?

Because here’s something wretched if you want it:

A WOMAN suspected of recruiting more than 80 female suicide bombers [in Iraq] has confessed to organising their rapes so she could later convince them that martyrdom was the only way to escape the shame.

And meanwhile, Kellogg will come sniffing back around their champion as soon as the smoke clears (too soon?), and ‘rich, white American male engages in recreational drug use’ will continue to baffle me as a multiple day news item.

ps - While I usually make a point of linking to things I talk about, I broke the links to the NYT’s coverage; no pageviews for this ’story’ from me.

Not that you guys are very clicky anyway. (It’s as though I pointlessly rehash things you already knew about…)

pps- Um, thanks for no one telling me I’d spelled ‘athlete’ wrong for an entire week.

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Roland Burris?

I’m as confused by Blagojevich’s (obviously not going to be seated) Senate pick as I am by the commercial I just saw for a digital pregnancy test.

Both seem patently unnecessary and, I don’t know about the pregnancy test, but one of them has a good deal of trouble winning elected office. Hell, the digital preggo test is a more likely choice.

For serious, Roland Burris has tried and failed to win about a million primaries. At 71, two years leaves him with a Senate pension. I’d take it!

Here we go.

2:01: ABC news has learned that he’s going to choose Burris. Um - yeah guys. We all know.

2:01: Oh Jesus, Blago just spoke in Spanish. Bish, please.

2:02: Blago just stuck his tongue out in this really weird way when talking about Burris as an opponent. He looks impressed with his own cajones today.

2:02: Speaking of cajones, here’s the man himself! Also looking pleased.

2:03: ‘As a nation we face a convergence of unparalleled crisis…’

2:04: Burris is talking about things that have nothing to do with anything. Yep, the world is difficult. He’s talking like this is the most natural thing ever, as though nothing has affected this process in any way.

2:05: President-elect Obama has ’strapped it up’. Dude, he’s going to dress you down if you get seated in the Senate.

2:06: Jessie White isn’t going to seat Blago’s pick, so this is kind of a redundant process, but whatevs.

2:07: Burris is looking forward to the process of not being appointed by Jessie White (Sec of State).

2:07: Someone just asked about the $14, 000 he’s contributed to Blago. Burris’ actual reaction, “Is it that much?!?!’ Jesus.

2:09: Whoops, someone is trying to ask Burris a question, but the governor must have moved or something because the gaggle just went crazy trying to ask him questions.

2:09: Whoa that was some awkward not answering of whatever was asked. Dead silence, awkward glances and then Blago saying, “You’re the senator!”

2:10: Burris is just looking blithely at the crowd whilst Blago talks. This is surreal.

2:10: And now we’ve said hi to Bobby Rush from the podium. I’m sure he’s thrilled.

2:11: This is seriously amongst the most awkward things I’ve ever seen. Burris looks thrilled any time he gets to move away from the podium, and Blago looks… Oh my god, they’ve brought Bobby Rush up on stage!

2:12: Bobby just said his prayers have been answered.

2:13: And Bobby Rush is happily filibustering until these guys can run the hell out of this room.

2:15: After talking about the importance of having an African American in the Senate, he asked that we not ‘hang or lynch the appointee’. That’s called setting the narrative - he’s trying to shame the press out of questioning Burris for fear of seeming racist.

2:16: This is Illinois politics at its most… I can’t even say absurd. Unbelievable.

2:17: And Rush closes by noting that he’s ’sure’ that his good friend Durbin will support the choice.

2:19: Apparently Blago repeated the lynching line to the gaggle. To his credit, ABC’s Ben Bradley just called him on it.

2:20: Danny Davis turned Blago down around Christmas.

2:20: Bradley just said that Burris was one of the few politicians left standing with Blago. And then zinged him with, I think you see both of them up there. And looked pretty pleased with his zing. And the black/white pun he just made.

2:21: Whoops, Rush might have been a little forward by swearing Durbin’s support; Durbin co-signed the Reid letter saying they wouldn’t seat him.

2:23: That was insane.

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The Bush Admin has released what Planned Parenthood is calling a ‘anti-choice parting gift’.

A new Health and Human Services ‘conscience rule‘ allows federally funded health professionals to refuse to perform or even provide information on procedures they find objectionable.

It’s clearly a shot at abortion, except that laws protecting doctors from having to performing abortions have been on the books for 30 years.

Why the rule changes then?

Well, the wording is so ambiguous that it could be read to include objections to emergency contraception, birth control, IUDs and sterilizations.

The Obama team plans to overturn these and other anti-women/choice/take your pick rules, but these things take time to undo.

You know what the biggest dickhead move is about all this?

They’re releasing the rule tomorrow and it kicks in 30 days later  - i.e., they go into effect the day before the inauguration.

PP has a petition to make sure the rule’s repeal doesn’t get lost in the onslaught of activities for the new president.

The Bush Administration never misses a chance to turn the screw. I hope they have some kind of cleansing ritual for the White House.

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It’s being streamed live and is surprisingly good watching. The canvassing board going through each of the around 3000 challenged ballots one by one.

The video is interesting because they’re doing a good job of showing each ballot as it’s being voted on, so you - the powerless citizen - can watch the process at work (read: vocalize your agreement or dissent at your computer).

Plus you get to watch the occasional ‘Minnesota nice’/passive aggressive comment about how they need more coffee and wouldn’t this have all been easier if there weren’t so many challenges.

For those of you with, you know, more interesting things to do or actual responsibilities, you can simply refresh the Strib’s count.

Keep in mind that Franken’s challenges are being assessed today, so the discrepancy between the number of votes allocated to Coleman versus Franken will likely change.

By the way, idiots who have complicated this process by writing things like “Chuck Norris” randomly on their ballots are amongst our truly dumb. Voting for Coleman and then writing in “GOD” below is sort of weirdly funny, but is costing MN lots of money.

Update: Another Chuck Norris. Why? And also this:

There’s also a vote for Barkley where someone wrote “<— NOT HIM” next to his name and also bubbled in Coleman. Voter intent determined!

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Re: Mudflats comes word that the McCain campaign might be pondering pre-election nuptials for unlucky Alaskan teens, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston.

What’s more compelling, after all, than a (nearly in the) White House wedding? John McCain’s running mate’s daughter getting married totes makes him my presidential pick!

(But, oh man, remember how crazy Elie Bartlet’s wedding was? Oh, the guest list! And poor Will Bailey!)

Regardless, the McCain campaign should absolutely devote time, money and resources to yet another insane political stunt.

How will we be asked to discuss the wedding, should it occur? Let me guess:

• Happy happy = okay;
• Discussion of the cynical use of Palin’s daughter again = sexist.

McCain is going to lose this election for the exact same reason that Hillary Clinton did - blind loyalty to people who have led them astray. In McCain’s case, however, he’s so far off the garden path that it’s barely even amusing anymore.

This campaign is going to go down in history as remarkably inept and shockingly absurd. Michael Dukakis must be so freaking relieved.

Holy crap - those poor kids.

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Okay, I’m just as shocked as you are.

More actually - because my internet’s been down all day, so I texted a friend this morning to see who it was. Her response of ‘He chose that woman. It came out of left field’ left me thinking it was obviously Texas Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison.

I had predicted last night that it’d be Hutchinson if McCain couldn’t stomach Mittens. Hutchinson makes sense - she’s a strong conservative, rallies the south, etc. So I didn’t rush into uni to get up on the papers. I watched some West Wing; I cleaned the bathroom. I had more or less prepared my blog post on the topic.

So, sorry if this is stream of consciousness but… SARAH PALIN? The scandal-ridden, first-term governor from a state with three electoral votes?

That state is ALASKA, which is currently in the middle of the craziest election season ever seen. Stevens just got indicted, almost assuring a Democratic win of his Senate seat. Don Young is currently in the fight of his life in a primary against Palin’s Lt. Governor, Sean Parnell. (It’s unclear to me who will actually be running the state at this point.)

As for Palin, she’s embroiled in a scandal (currently being investigated by a legislative panel) regarding the her state trooper ex-brother-in-law. Namely, that she wanted him fired, but settled for the public safety commissioner when he refused the task.

My blog post about Hutchinson was going to question whether Clinton supporters would view the selection of a middle-aged, experienced woman as a craven bid for their votes. But, man, I don’t know what they’re going to think now.

Seriously, the thing that sticks out most in my mind about Palin is Wonkette’s continual reference to her as a GILF. (That’s been updated to VPILF by a website that, as Chris points out, created ‘an abbreviation we definitely weren’t missing’.)

Palin’s an anti-choice, social conservative. That’s going to play well with the Republican base, but the people they’re trying to lure over aren’t going to be impressed with that. She’s got a record of being anti-corruption, but is now tainted by her own alleged impropriety.

Selecting a woman (this woman at least) is actually bad for the McCain campaign. With so little to recommend her except for being a woman, it just looks like the pander it is. Worse, it makes the McCain campaign look as though they think ‘any old vagina’ can act as a stand-in for Clinton.

It also allows the Democratic Party to directly contrast the two. The ’she’s no Hillary’ ads should be in production, if they’re not already on the airwaves.

Unless Palin has some political kryptonite I’m not aware of, this is the most bewildering (if not insane) choice I’ve ever seen.

My god, Biden’s going to eat her alive in the veep debate.

Unless McCain is counting on Biden to go easy on her because she’s a girl. If the Democrats are smart, he’ll go after her on all cylinders. She’s not Clinton, which means the press is more likely to view any weakness under attack as a sign that she’s unfit to lead.

I really wish I’d come in sooner or felt like drinking earlier in the day (most of the internet cafes near my house are actually internet bars).

Wow. Sarah Palin. To give McCain his due - I definitely did not see that coming.

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As part of a dinner party last night, I hung out with a five-year-old. We bonded over Irish dancing, and, by the time dinner was served, I’d made a new friend.

I amused her by figuring out what she’d had for dinner through her belly (it’s a ’skill’ of my mother’s, which now that I’m an adult seems pretty simple: it consists only of knowing what a kid’s eaten and then expressing great surprise upon ‘feeling’ carrots, etc.).

And then we also had this exchange:

“Excuse me. What’s your name again?”
“Brie. It’s a kind of cheese if that helps you remember it.’
“Oh, does anyone call you ‘Cheddar’?”
“Yeah, sometimes.”
“Do they call you Cheddar because you talk a lot?”

I’m not sure how those two things got connected in her mind, but I’d be hard-pressed to say she’s wrong on the second count.

But she thought Avi was my dad, so just goes to show how smart she is.

Ha! I am a meek and sensitive wallflower.

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In case you haven’t heard, the newest iteration of the Federal Marriage Amendment was re-introduced to Congress this week.

The amendment would, of course, protect the sacred institution of marriage from the destructive ways of teh homos and their big gay marriages.

The obvious need for such an amendment is given extra patriotic flare through the sponsorship of our nation’s two staunchest defenders of sacred unions, Senators Larry Craig and David Vitter.

Larry Craig (R-ID), as you may remember, sprung to fame last summer after attempting to solicit sex in the men’s toilets.

David Vitter (R-LA) is equally famous for hiring prostitutes.

I wish there some kind of bell or buzzer that we, as a nation, could collectively ring (or buzz) in moments of extreme irony.

It’d relieve some of the sputtering from the cognitive dissonance.

Links:
Pretty much everybody.

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I am many things, but - as anyone who has watched me move can attest - graceful is not one of them.

Charming stories of my disastrous exploits can be found here, here (with picture) and here.

My inherent calamity-proneness is why black table tops against black carpeting in dark bars are a terrible, terrible idea. And, the use of marble is also a no-no.

That part that looks yellow? That’s all a bruise (exacerbated by the fact that I slipped on the bathmat the other day and slammed that area straight into the tub. Nice.)

Anyway, so I clearly walked into a table at the bar. Fair enough.

But it was also raining that night. And as I rode home, my bike slipped riding over the tram tracks and my tire went straight in the groove. Off I went, managing - amazingly - not to damage parts I’d already damaged:

I’m happy to say that my right leg bore the brunt of the insanity, including that amazing bruise on the inside/back of my right knee. That, my friends, is a difficult place to bruise.

I think it’s worth a 9.7 from the Russian judge.

Also notice the lumpage on the knee in the bruise picture. Awesome. (The left knee also took a hit, but the left shin stayed out of it, thank god. It does not feel good as it is.)

Anyway, all these pics are four days later and my tire needs some serious truing.

To be fair though, by bike took what should have been an obscene disaster and turned it into only a few bruises and a bit of a banged knee. I still have the utmost confidence in her.

Black marble tabletops, however, are on my shit list.

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There’s no better way to say this than has already been said:

On Tuesday the group Colorado for Equal Rights submitted 131,245 signatures to place an initiative on the November ballot that would define a fertilized embryo as a person. Voters will decide on the measure that would amend the state Constitution to extend a fertilized embryo equal rights and protections. It would define “any human being from the moment of fertilization” as a “person” for purposes of the state’s constitutional provisions “relating to inalienable rights, equality of justice and due process of law.”

Mother Jones notes that such an amendment might ‘trigger governmental investigations into miscarriages, restrict in-vitro fertilization by couples trying to conceive, and could limit birth-control methods.’

Aside from its glaring, rage-inducing absurdity and almost certain unconstitutionality, this initiative raises some amazing questions.

One of Andrew Sullivan’s readers, for instance, asks if she can move to CO and receive Social Security benefits sooner.

Could a woman be charged with manslaughter or reckless homicide for a miscarriage? Or, better yet, what if the family carries Accidental Death insurance? Given how many zygotes self-terminate, you could make a pretty penny just claiming based on statistics.

And what do we do if the fetus kills the mother, in childbirth or otherwise? Is it incumbent upon the state to try the infant for manslaughter? Can the father sue his newborn or fetus for loss of consortium, wages, etc?

And perhaps the most obvious question - how on Earth can anyone know when the moment of fertilization is? Outside of a science lab, it’s pretty darn unprovable. And even if a test was developed, I’m pretty sure it would involve the government asking a woman to put her feet in the stirrups. So let’s hope Colorado for Equal Rights has something to nix the Fourteenth, as well.

As recent years have shown, however, this initiative is perhaps just crazy enough to pass.

I mean, a veterinarian was selected by the Bush Administration to head up the Office of Women’s Health in 2005. (Alderson was quickly removed after a number of groups justifiably lost their minds.) Minnesota’s Right to Know laws required doctors to provide state-scripted information on abortion that defied medical science. Missouri lawmakers are trying to get Plan B regulated as an abortifacient.

Anyway ladies, I suggest looking into Accidental Death insurance, just in case. If we move to Colorado, natural self-termination might be the new sugardaddie.

H/T: Andrew Sullivan via Mother Jones

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