Completely Unnecessary

Look, I’m not the fittest cat on the planet. I do things like reading for a living and abhor things like running. It’s clear to me that I’m not most likely Olympian.

In addition, there are some sports that just look really difficult. Like hurdles. Or shotput. It looks hard as hell to throw a shotput. [Or is shotput the name of the sport and the ball is called something else?]

But while I’ve accepted the fact that I will never be a shotputress, I’m pretty convinced that I could play water polo at an Olympic level.

Granted, tonight is the first time that I’ve ever seen water polo on teevee, but it looks mostly like short bursts of swimming (check), treading water (check) and close-range throwing (checkish).

[Also, why isn't it called 'water soccer' (or 'football'), since it closely resembles soccer and completely lacks any sticks.]  [To that end, why isn't polo called 'horse hockey'? There's a sport I could get behind.]

Actually, the only thing keeping me from a water polo career is the thought of being wet again today (or ever again). I know we’re all supposed to be happy about the precipition given the status of the dams, but cold, driving rain is my least favorite weather ever. I felt (and looked) as though I’d been drowned when I got to school today.

Vaguely Related

• The Olympics are Pretty!
• Rain: Wherefore art thou?

Man, I should have forseen that watching the Olympics would be better with Aussie commentators.

This is, of course, a country where the commentator at the family-focused Birdman Rally was only (gently) told off after about the tenth ‘fuck’ in a row. Many a ‘pissed’, ’shit’ and ‘damn’ went past entirely unnoticed.

The commentary hasn’t been quite that colorful, but the gymnastics pointless chatter is way better than the States. Notably, there is no (what I swear I remember as being) Bryan Adams. Who is the pop singer who does women’s gymnastics commentary?

Anyway, he’s not there. And there’s a reasonably cantankerous woman on the Aussie commentating team. She appears to be named Liz (this are paraphrases):

Liz: Well, that’s a 0.1 to 0.3 deduction for that on beam. Depending on how harsh the judges are.

Guy: Well, Liz, I bet you’d be taking the 0.3

Liz: Well, I’d be right.

Commentary later tonight included:

That is not was the Ukranian team needed right now.

And:

And she’s had an absolute horror of a showing thus far. Let’s see if she can do… and she’s stepped out of bounds.

It’s been pretty amazing. I just hope the Aussies make it into the top eight so I actually get to see (hear) more of Liz. She is awesome.

Speaking of gymnastics awesome, this (I think) is a clip of Kerri Strug at the 1996 Olympics. Can I tell you how much I would not vault a second time on a busted ankle? I am weak-willed and do not have the spirit of an Olympian:

I think it’s the right video that’s been taken down off this Gawker post. But who can be sure, since my bandwidth has been throttled for the rest of the month? Thanks Australia. (We’re going to kill you in the gymnastics, too…)

Like Richard, I love the Olympics - human rights abuses and all. And I like indoor sports, so no smog.

Vaguely Related

• It Finally Happened
• The Olympics are Pretty!

I’ve been living in Australia for a little over a year and a half now, and some parts of my accent have gotten a little strange. I say - by American standards - weird words, like ‘heaps’ and ‘down the back’, etc. I notice strong American accents now, and can pick Midwesterners in a way that I never could before.

Occasionally, I’ve watched Australian movies that have American elements without noticing the switch for a little while.

But just now, watching the swimming, I’ve realized that a Commonwealth Bank commerical that I’ve seen maybe five times today has a combination of American and Australian actors. (It’s one of the ones where an American ad company makes an ad for Commonwealth and it doesn’t go well…)

I finally watched it from the beginning and realized from the “American Advertising Company” across the bottom that the people were speaking with different accents. I totally hadn’t heard it any of the other times.

Weird.

Yay! TodayTonight is broadcasting “Live from Beijing” this week. Yet they have an amazing story on Australian gym contracts. Good to know that they’re still chaining old ladies to heaters even whilst getting caught up in Olympic fever.

Vaguely Related

• Green and Gold Commentary
• Daytime TV Is Great

Remember how for the last several months everyone, everywhere has been like, “Boo China! Boo! Torch, human rights abuses, Beijing is a smoggy nightmare, military crackdown, boo!’

The Age has been running at least a story a day about how horrible everything is in China.

Until today. Today’s age.com.au is more or less: ‘Shiny, happy, pretty! Oi, oi, oi! OMG, can you wait for the swimming?!?!’

And no, I can’t wait, because the US is going to kick some overachieving antipodean ass. And Michael Phelps shaved off his mustache, so that’ll probably skim another 87 million seconds off his times. We will crush you. (Sorry guys, swimming is about the only thing I get patriotic about.)

And the swimming’s also about the only Americans I’m likely to see on the TV. (Seriously Channel 7, the Australia v Belarus women’s basketball game? The only thing interesting about that match up was how many air balls there were. Apparently the women’s shooting was really cool - the Czech Republic upset China - but no…)

Women’s gymnastics doesn’t even seem to be on the schedule, which has to be a mistake. (I also get vaguely patriotic about gymnastics.)

Anyway, given the chance for Aussie gold in the men’s cycling, we’ll be showing that all afternoon. It’s kind of nice, actually. They let one of the Chinese riders lead the pack through most of downtown Beijing. And all the cyclists are taking it easy through the first section, chatting and smiling with people from other countries.

It’s what the Olympics are all about!

SBS is running women’s beach volleyball, which is so only an Olympic sport because there are women in bikinis. Norway versus Belarus (again!). How do you get into that sport in either of those countries? It’s the middle of summer, and it’s freezing in Norway. Belarus is landlocked (though they appear to have some nice lakes…)

Bikinis!

Which, as I mentioned above, is more or less what China’s doing. But, you know, with fireworks.

Oh, I also learned this morning that equestrian dressage commentary is what hell is like. They had nothing. During the two and a half minutes I watched it, the two commentators completely ran out of things to talk about. Actual quotes: “Oh, and I hear he’s quite the singer. Yes, yes, he definitely enjoys singing.”

Mix that with watching a horse trot and you’ve got the best reason for putting dressage on in the morning when no one is watching.

Except people who are avoiding work!

Vaguely Related

• Olympic Unimpression
• Green and Gold Commentary